Ramblings
Saunterings
Ramblings: about North-West England
Ramblings is a set of articles about North-West England, of unknown authorship and
indeterminate date, believed to have been written for amusement on rainy days,
which are not unknown in North-West England.
42. The Lake District National Park-and-Ride Scheme
From a Cumbria Council Meeting
Diana Dubble-Barrell (chair):
For the next item we are joined again by our dear friend Charles
Smarm, the head of Cumbria Tourism Services. Another idea
for the progress of Cumbria, Charles?
Charles Smarm:
Yes indeed, Diana. This proposal is based upon my guiding
principle, which is that we should seek to maximise our visitors’
input to the Cumbrian economy.
Joss Jenkinson (Cartmel ward):
I’d go along with that, for a change.
Diana Dubble-Barrell:
Please. Let Charles finish.
Charles Smarm:
Did you know that 32% of the 12 million visitors to Cumbria
every year contribute nothing at all to our economy?
Harry Cowan (Furness ward):
Really! That’s 4 million people wearing away our mountains
without spending a penny.
Charles Smarm:
Yes and no. Anyway, I was at Sainsbury’s the other day and I
noticed that they had quite a nifty car-parking scheme. You pay
to park but you get your fee back if you can show a receipt from
the supermarket. Now, as you know, we will soon have barriers
on all the roads into Cumbria with a compulsory park-and-ride
scheme. I propose that we charge each punter £10 at the car park and
then give them their money back if they can show a receipt for
at least that amount.
Harry Cowan:
I think I get it ... let me see if I’ve understood it. Those who now
drive to Ambleside, walk up Wansfell, have a cuppa from a flask
in the car-park, and then drive home (having paid nothing to us),
would instead have to park by the A591, pay £10 each, and then
in Ambleside think they might as well buy a new pair of gloves
to replace the ones they’ve just dropped on Wansfell and have a
tea and scone in Sandra’s Shed to get their parking fee back.
Charles Smarm:
Exactly. An extra £120 million at least for Cumbria. Think what
you could do with that.
Harry Cowan:
And they’ll spend a darn sight more than £10 in Sandra’s Shed.
Charles Smarm:
In any case £10’s an absolute bargain, for Europe’s No. 1 tourist
attraction. Why, a family of four spends much more than £40 at
Alton Towers or to see Bellini’s Norman at Convent Garden.
Mary Bland (Hartsop ward):
Um ... I’ve been thinking ... if I go to the garden centre and
spend £10 buying my aubrietias can I sell my receipt to a visitor
for £5?
Charles Smarm:
I suppose so. It’s not illegal to sell a receipt, I suppose. It’s only
a piece of paper after all.
Mary Bland:
And if I bought a TV in Comets, could I sell that receipt
for £5 to another visitor?
Charles Smarm:
I suppose so.
Mary Bland:
So I could get £5 off anytime I went to a shop? The visitor would
pay me £5 and get his £10 back from the car park.
Charles Smarm:
I suppose so ... looks like it’s back to the drawing board, then.
Sam Windscale (Broughton ward):
No, hold on a minute. I like it. After all, it’s us locals who have to
put up with the inconvenience of all these visitors, barging us off
the pavements with their rucksacks, clogging up the pubs every
weekend. Why shouldn’t we get some financial recompense?
All and sundry:
Hear, hear.
(Spontaneous applause, and calls of “three cheers for Charlie”.)
Diana Dubble-Barrell:
Well, I think you’re onto a winner this time, Charles. At last.
Photo:
The view from Wansfell.
Comments:
• This sounds like an excellent scheme.
To make it easy for all concerned, locals and visitors, I am going to open a kiosk
in Ambleside, where locals can bring their receipts and visitors can buy them.
Of course, I'll need a commission for this service. I'll buy the receipts for
£4 and sell them for £6.
Ramblings
Saunterings
© John Self, Drakkar Press, 2024-
Top photo: Rainbow over Kisdon in Swaledale;
Bottom photo: Ullswater